Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I Never Hit A Woman...

...I just shake the shit out of her.

Kidding. Promise. BUT if you've ever wanted to hit a woman...here's your chance. It's called Rose & Camellia and its brought to you by
NIGORO (only the Japanese).

This might be the greatest game ever made. As Kotaku puts it, its a game about "Victorian- themed woman slapping." If that doesn't get your juices flowing, I don't know what will. I actually cried "Bitch!" out loud when I finally defeated the older sister. Now that's what I call interactive media. Watch out for the matriarch though. She's a tough ol' broad...and she hits HARD.

Give it a go. Hooray

Thanks to Kotaku's PC Gamer Gift Guide for the heads up.

Monday, November 17, 2008

All I Want For Christmas

Stop the presses. Seriously.

Someone tell the gaming industry to hold off on the good stuff for a while. I, for one, can't keep up with the never-ending stream of quality titles hitting the shelves these days. It's like it's raining fucking Skittles out there and there's too much of the rainbow to taste.

Not that I'm complaining. If you've ever felt that there was a veritable drought of good games coming out in a given period (which I certainly have),
this holiday season is the epitome of the old cliche "When it rains (Skittles), it pours." The release of Fable II and Fallout 3 in consecutive weeks is enough to put a strain on my wallet and my watch (Fable II, by the way, is awesome). After this Christmas, there should be no reason to grouse about a lack of games to play for several months following the holiday boom.

My list this year is massive. I do have four systems to support, after all, and there's at least one must-buy for each of them. I'm also still playing catch up. There are some oldies out there that I still need to pick up. All in all, this is several thousand dollars worth of software (and peripherals, in Guitar Hero: World Tour's case). Sacrifices will have to be made.

Here's the (semi)complete rundown:

XBOX 360

Guitar Hero: World Tour (apparently, the GH:WT instruments work with Rock Band 2 and from what I've read, GH:WT has the better drum set), Fallout 3, Prince of Persia, Pure, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion GOTY Edition (I know, I know), Mirror's Edge, NHL 09, Pro Evolution Soccer 2009 (or FIFA 09, haven't made up my mind yet), Soulcaliber IV, MLB Front Office Manager 2008, BioShock (I know! I know!), The Orange Box, Left 4 Dead


Boom Blox!, Resident Evil 4 (I KNOW!), Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World, World of Goo, MLB Power Pros 2008, Lego Batman


KORG DS-10 Synthesizer, Final Fantasy IV, Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia, Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow, Dragon Ball: Origins, Tecmo Bowl: Kickoff, Metal Slug 7, Moon, Age of Empires: Mythologies, Chrono Trigger DS



Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals

Who knew PETA had a (dark) sense of humor?

If you're a fan of the Cooking Mama games like I am, you'll definitely appreciate this morbid take on the franchise.
PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has Mama going berserk on a poor turkey in preparation for her family's Thanksgiving feast, aptly titled Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals. It looks like Majesco had no hand in this (the game is "unauthorized") so I don't know how long it will be up on peta.org. That means you should play it before it's too late!

The gameplay matches up identically with its DS counterparts (I haven't played the Wii version but I'll be sure to grab it when it's in the bargain bin) except you're using a mouse and not a stylus (or Wiimote). You remove the feathers, rip out the organs, stuff the shit out of it, cut its fucking head off...hell, you even make some grotesque giblet gravy! It's broken up into stages like the original games are and you're rated for your efficiency with points and phrases like "Don't be a saint!", "Too Nice!", and "Meaner than Mama!". After successfully completing each stage, you're treated with a fun factoid about turkey farming in the US and given the opportunity to watch videos of turkey slaughters and other hilarious (read: horrible) things. Joy!

If you're especially quick (read: brutal) about all of this, you unlock a secret stage at the end titled "Mama Loves Animals" where you crumble up some tofu, shape it into a blob, baste some brown goop onto it, and throw it in the oven. Bing! Tofurkey! You're rewarded for going vegan with a beautiful montage of Mama loving up a turkey in front of a glorious rainbow! Homosexual!

Seriously though, hats off to PETA and Majesco for this ingenious collaboration. The dream team
manages to inform about the serious atrocities committed in order to put the turkey on the table AND entertain at the same time. You know what that is? That's art, right there. That's a mirror, society! Take a good look!

Anyway, I know I'll still be biting into some bird (ha) on Turkey Day.
Hypocritical? You bet I am. But does anyone really like tofurkey?

More at Kotaku.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I Ain't Afraid of Your Husband

In the late 1970's, comic book publisher Marvel Comics released a new series that explored the proverbial road less traveled. Narrated by an omnipotent, dome-headed alien known as The Watcher (stay with me here...), What If addressed a number of often ridiculous alternate possibilities within the Marvel Universe. Ever wonder what would have happened if Captain America had become President? Now you can find out! What would the world be like if Spider-man had joined the Fantastic Four? Guess where you can find the answer? You get the idea.

I've often tossed and turned in the night, mulling over my own what if scenario. For a time, I even considered developing a support group for others dealing with the same plaguing question: What if Johnny Cash had been turned into a vampire by Dracula (as portrayed by Bela Lugosi)?

While this inquiry might be humorous to some, I submit that the ramifications of this unholy union would've rocked the foundations of both the vampire and musical communities to the core. What would Count Cash-ula sound like and look like? Would he have devoured the inmates of Folsom Prison without hesitation? Would June Carter have become his queen of the night?

Like the potential existence of aliens and the Sasquatch, these questions will invariably go down as history's greatest mysteries. It is with great pleasure, however, that I submit to you the closest possible answer: Unknown Hinson, The King of Country-Western Troubadors.

Fans of Adult Swim's Squidbillies may know Unknown Hinson as the voice of Early Cuyler, but if they've not yet sampled his musical offerings, they're only seeing a small facet of this amazing performer.

To be fair, Unknown Hinson isn't as much a musician as he is a concept. With songs such as I Ain't Afraid of Your Husband, I Cleaned Out a Room (In My Trailer for You), and Peace, Love & Hard Liquor, it's easy and frighteningly effortless to fall into the white-trash, psychobilly vibe that he offers. As a fan of between-song banter, I also salute Unknown for his uncanny ability to more or less let his "character" completely assimilate the man. I feel confident that anything could happen and Unknown Hinson wouldn't skip a beat - he'd still refer to the fairer sex as "womern" and would still encourage everyone to "take a drank of brown party liquor and be somebody."

For those of you who have frowned upon gimmick-based musicians in the past, fear not. Unknown Hinson is, for all intents and purposes, a real-live guitar hero and an avid follower of Jimi Hendrix, it would seem. I've seen him in concert only one time, but the transition from I Make Faces (When I Make Love) into Hendrix's Manic Depression was flawless and majestic.

Side note: I don't throw around the word "majestic" - it's just not in my character.

Please, please, please, please - do yourself a favor and track this man down. Buy him drinks. Take him for a round of mini-golf. Do whatever it takes, but make sure he gets what he deserves.

Olbermann on Prop 8

Well said.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Change Has Come

I'm proud of us. All of us.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Redskins Predict an Obama Victory

There is a legend in ol' D.C. that specifies that if the Washington Redskins lose their home game before an election, the incumbent party will lose the White House. Likewise, if the Redskins win, the incumbents retain control of the Oval Office.

The success or failure of the Redskins has correctly predicted 17 of the last 18 elections, the only miss occuring in the last election in 2004 when George W. Bush (despite his many, shall we say, shortcomings) managed to defeat John Kerry and the Redskins lost to the Green Bay Packers. This should've signified a Democratic victory, but the American people had other (stupid) plans. The Skins' streak was broken.

Last night, the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Redskins 23 - 6. The American people hold the power to make the Redskins political prognosticators once again. Could the Redskins' loss be Obama's gain?

I really hope so. If the Skins lost for nothing, I'm going to be pissed.

For a complete listing of the Skins punditry, check out Snopes.com's article on the subject.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Frostbite @ The Annoyance

My friends Ben and Gabx have a sketch/long form improv show at the Annoyance Theatre starting up very soon!

It's called Frostbite and it tells the story of a snowman with an apetite for brains.

If you live in Chicagoland, do yourself a favor and get to the Annoyance to show them some much deserved support.

Check it out here.

Mario the Plumber Votes Democratic

Since he is going to be busy fighting baddies in the Mushroom Kingdom tomorrow, Mario Mario* cast his vote for the 2008 election at an early voting site in Brooklyn late Friday. When asked who he voted for upon exiting the polling center, the omnipotent overalled one exclaimed, "I choose-ah Obama! Woo hoo!"

When asked why other plumbers, such as the (in)famous Joe from Ohio, were voting for McCain, Mario declined to comment.

Kotaku reports.

They are the Super Mario Bros. after all. I guess that means their names are Mario Mario and Luigi Mario...but that's another story for another day.