I Ain't Afraid of Your Husband

In the late 1970's, comic book publisher Marvel Comics released a new series that explored the proverbial road less traveled. Narrated by an omnipotent, dome-headed alien known as The Watcher (stay with me here...), What If addressed a number of often ridiculous alternate possibilities within the Marvel Universe. Ever wonder what would have happened if Captain America had become President? Now you can find out! What would the world be like if Spider-man had joined the Fantastic Four? Guess where you can find the answer? You get the idea.

I've often tossed and turned in the night, mulling over my own what if scenario. For a time, I even considered developing a support group for others dealing with the same plaguing question: What if Johnny Cash had been turned into a vampire by Dracula (as portrayed by Bela Lugosi)?

While this inquiry might be humorous to some, I submit that the ramifications of this unholy union would've rocked the foundations of both the vampire and musical communities to the core. What would Count Cash-ula sound like and look like? Would he have devoured the inmates of Folsom Prison without hesitation? Would June Carter have become his queen of the night?

Like the potential existence of aliens and the Sasquatch, these questions will invariably go down as history's greatest mysteries. It is with great pleasure, however, that I submit to you the closest possible answer: Unknown Hinson, The King of Country-Western Troubadors.

Fans of Adult Swim's Squidbillies may know Unknown Hinson as the voice of Early Cuyler, but if they've not yet sampled his musical offerings, they're only seeing a small facet of this amazing performer.

To be fair, Unknown Hinson isn't as much a musician as he is a concept. With songs such as I Ain't Afraid of Your Husband, I Cleaned Out a Room (In My Trailer for You), and Peace, Love & Hard Liquor, it's easy and frighteningly effortless to fall into the white-trash, psychobilly vibe that he offers. As a fan of between-song banter, I also salute Unknown for his uncanny ability to more or less let his "character" completely assimilate the man. I feel confident that anything could happen and Unknown Hinson wouldn't skip a beat - he'd still refer to the fairer sex as "womern" and would still encourage everyone to "take a drank of brown party liquor and be somebody."

For those of you who have frowned upon gimmick-based musicians in the past, fear not. Unknown Hinson is, for all intents and purposes, a real-live guitar hero and an avid follower of Jimi Hendrix, it would seem. I've seen him in concert only one time, but the transition from I Make Faces (When I Make Love) into Hendrix's Manic Depression was flawless and majestic.

Side note: I don't throw around the word "majestic" - it's just not in my character.

Please, please, please, please - do yourself a favor and track this man down. Buy him drinks. Take him for a round of mini-golf. Do whatever it takes, but make sure he gets what he deserves.