Financial Crisis? What Financial Crisis?

PIRATES!

I don't know if you have heard at all about what's going down off the coast of Somalia, but a group of PIRATES (!) have jacked a Ukrainian cargo ship that was carrying a boatload (sorry) of serious weaponry including tanks, rocket launchers, and assorted ammunition. They are asking for $20 million in exchange for the ship. Currently, the U.S. Navy has them surrounded, and apparently the Russians are on the way as well. In other words, these pirates are fucked.

This is a great story from the AP. My favorite parts are "The pirates denied the report" and "...the pirate spokesman insisted the report was not true." The pirate spokesman also said: "ARRRRrrrrrrrrr!"

Sign Fail

Brought to you courtesy of failblog.org

McCain FTW

Brought to you courtesy of cracked.com

As if you care...

There will be no Baseball update this week.I'm going to wait til Monday and wrap it all up. I will say that I don't think I'm going to finish as strongly as I would've liked.

As far as football is concerned, I'm now in six leagues: three in ESPN and three in Yahoo! This is my limit for the year (I promise). I'm feeling pretty good about the fantasy football season. Three weeks down and all of my teams still have winning records.
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ESPN
In my ACL 1 league, my Shamecocks pulled off a shocking come-from-behind victory over Team Brett Who? I needed 20+ points from Antonio Gates, Vincent Jackson, and the Chargers D on Monday Night Football to win it, and they delivered, fittingly enough, against Brett Favre's New York Jets. I made a few moves, sneaking Deion Branch on to my team, as he is set to return from his injury following the Seahawk's bye this week. I also cut Brandon Jackson since Ryan Grant is completely healthy (supposedly) and added Buffalo WR Josh Reed to round out my WR corps which had been the weak spot on my team. Reed should put up some decent numbers with the way Buffalo has been playing and the inkury to Roscoe Parrish. This team is 2 - 1 and looking good, though they face a tough test this week as they play the team I traded Reggie Bush to at the beginning of the year. Here's hoping that doesn't bite me in the ass.

In my Jacksonville 643149 league, Let's Pet Puppies was lucky to get the win as King Kong left 83 points (!) on his bench, most of which are attributable to the surprising play of Ronnie Brown and the Miami Dolphins. I also got screwed by Brian Westbrook's injury and had Maurice Jones-Drew (pictured)put up 21 points while riding my pine. Assholes. I cut Matt Berry's trendy picks David Patten (lackluster) and Justin Gage (injured) from last week and added the Ravens' bruising fullback-cum-halfback Le'Ron McClain, as well as Tampa Bay touchdown machine "Hurricane" Ike Hilliard. The Pups have a tough matchup this week, going against fantasy phenoms Jay Cutler, Adrian Peterson, Brandon Marshall, and Chris Chambers. Yeesh.

My new (and final) league is another ESPN public league, New York 668932, with my good buddy Will. We weren't in any leagues together this season and decided to remedy that. Isn't that queer? We both fielded strong teams, but ESPN does this weird thing where if you start a league after the season starts, they give your team a record based on randomly decided matchups with the league's other teams, using the points your players scored in weeks 1 and 2 with a starting line-up you don't choose. By the luck of the draw, my Chi City Cripplers started out 2 - 0. Will's River City Hustlers started out 0 - 2. The good news: we both won in week 3, and we think some teams are either bots or totally not paying attenting. My team thrashed Team Garcia (Stephen Garcia???) last week by 32 points. This week, I face Team Smiley (nice name, asshat) which Will's Hustlers soundly thumped last week. From the looks of things, I should take this week easily and improve to 4 - 0. By the way, the Cripplers are:

QB: Drew Brees, Jon Kitna
RB: Westbrook, Chris Johnson, LenDale White, Correll Buckhalter (this week), McClain
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, Hines Ward, Dwayne Bowe, Wes Welker, Bryant Johnson
TE: John Carlson, Jeramy Stevens
K: Neil Rackers
D/ST: Tennessee Titans

I'm stacked.
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Yahoo!

In BIG WILLY'S FOOTBALL LEAGUE, my Shamrocks decimated AAA pantypumpers 207 -147 led bye Phillip Rivers' HUGE game and the stellar play of Roddy White and my sleeper pick Brandon Lloyd. That marks my first correct sleeper pick of the season. I hope Lloyd can keep it up, though that's doubtful with "Neckbeard" Kyle Orton throwing to him. I added Patrick Crayton for Ray Rice since McGahee and McClain are getting the carries in Baltimore and I needed another WR. I'm still looking for that elusive third RB (and I missed the boat on Rashard Mendenhall, though that may not be such a bad thing). The Shamrocks are 3 - 0 and in second place.

In Taylor Christiano's League, I was handed my second loss by the cleverly named holla bitches, who was victorious by a 60 point margin. Yikes. I thought this was one of my best teams and they are 1 - 2 through three weeks and sitting near the bottom of the league! I made some significant moves this week to try and remedy things. I let Ray Rice go for his more productive counterpart Le'Ron McClain (pictured), cut New England's shitty defense for the sack machine D of Philadelphia, parted ways with first week fling Dante Rosario and grabbed New York's Kevin Boss on his bye week, dropped Rashard Mendenhall and his big mouth for last week's fantasy flame J.T. O'Sullivan, waved goodbye to Antwaan Randle El in order to grab Tampay Bay's Jeramy Stevens to fill this week's hole at TE, and grabbed another Buc, WR Antonio Bryant, while kicking Reggie Williams' unproductive ass to the curb. Phew! Let's hope something clicks this week and I can even up my record with another win.

Finally, in Yahoo Public 543788, The Shams lost a closer-than-it-looked game to King Zeke to drop my record to 2 -1. If I had gotten any production at all from Brian Westbrook or Eddie Royal, the win might have gone my way. I made no moves during the week because I still believe in this team, though the injuries to Westbrook and Willie Parker worry me a little since all I have left at RB are Chris Johnson and Jamal Lewis. I will need a strong showing this week to compete with a bengals team that scored more than double the points I put up last week.
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Games of the Week

Minnesota @ Tennessee
This should be a defensive battle all the way. The Titans have a nasty D and will be looking to run on the other side of the ball with their two-headed tandem of Chris Johnson (pictured) and LenDale White. The Vikings also have a solid D and have some guy named Adrian Peterson (ya heard of him?) to give the ball to. However, this one will probably have to be won through the air (and therefore at the line of scrimmage), so veterans Kerry Collins and Gus Frerotte will be the deciding factors in this game. Sooner or later though, Johnson will get loose for the Titans. Tennessee wins it 17 - 10.

Green Bay @ Tampa Bay
Aaron Rodgers and the Packers' Al Harris-less D look to rebound from their first loss. Brian Griese and the Bucs look to build on last week's stolen win over Chicago in OT. I think Rodgers proves his mettle here. He looked good in the 4th quarter last Sunday. Packers win 24 - 17.

Washington @ Dallas
Here we go. The best rivalry in pro football. Skins and 'Boys. Big D looked dapper last week, picking up their first win at Lambeau. The Redskins won a tough game against a very good Arizona team. Jason Campbell (pictured) looks like he's finally finding his form in Zorn's offense, and Santana Moss has a TD in every game so far this season. The Cowboys haven't been playing much defense, but they do have the Romo - TO connection and the beast that is Marion Barber, who has been unstoppable all year. The Cowboys are being given 11.5 points on Washington but I think it'll be closer than that. Look for both offenses to spread their wings. Final score: Dallas 31 - Washington 24.
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Player of the WeekSteve Smith - WR, Carolina Panthers

Smith was held to 70 yards and no TDs in last week's loss to the Vikings. This week, the Panthers assert their dominance over an NFC South rival and their mediocre pass defense. Look for Steve to put up triple digit yards and at least 1 score as he torches the Falcons' secondary on Sunday.
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For more NFL goodness, be sure to check out this week's Jamboroo over at Deadspin, as well as Bill Simmons' first power rankings of the season on ESPN's Page 2.

Letterman Bashes McCain

I love this game.

Apparently, John McCain was supposed to appear on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. After "Pepaw" McCain publicly announced that he would be suspending his campaign to race back to D.C. and single-handedly (ok, he asked for a little help from Barack Obama too) save the economy and the country, he called up Letterman at the last minute and told him he would have to cancel his appearance.

It's safe to say that Dave was none too pleased about this, especially after he caught McCain doing a live interview with CBS News' Katie Couric at the precise time he would be appearing on The Late Show! Letterman's replacement guest for McLame? Keith Olbermann.

Letterman pulls no punches, ripping McCain and Sarah Palin on numerous occasions throughout the show, while also making some valid points and repeating over and over how this whole campaign suspension thing doesn't "smell" right.

Thanks goes to Gawker for this story, and they pass the credit along to Cajun Boy in the City.

I love you, Dave.

American Psycho: The Musical

Brett Easton Ellis' novel-cum-Christian Bale movie is being made into a Broadway musical.

This is clearly theatre that is not to be missed. Unless you have to return some videotapes. Here's hoping Bale gets the nod to reprise the title role. As Gawker notes, we already know he can sing. They also have video of one of the Psycho movie's best scenes. "Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

More official info is available here. For my favorite Bale vid, see below.

Particle Man

Mega Man 9 Gets A Release Date...And A Box!!!

Via Kotaku and GoNintendo...

The hotly anticipated Wii Virtual Console, XBOX Live Arcade, and PlayStation Network release of Capcom's old-school goodness Mega Man 9 finally has an official release date and I, for one, couldn't be more excited.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna bust out Mega Man 3 on my NES and download Mega Man 2 off the Wii Shop Channel in preparation for next week's release.

Mega Man 9 drops September 22nd on the VC, September 25th on PSN, and October 1st on XBLA.

Furthermore, Capcom announced that they will make available these sweet boxes and NES cartridge-shaped cases (pictured) to the general public in extremely limited supply at a soon-to-be-announced date. Here's hoping I can grab one of these before they're gone!

Drew Magary's Jamboroo

I know I just posted about sports, but this week's Jamboroo on Deadspin is too funny not to draw attention to. Whether or not you like football or sports at all, read this article. Drew Magary is a master of obscenity and pop culture references and he knows a lot about sports, too. Be warned, it is pretty offensive at times, but the initial argument about the state of the QB position in the NFL is an important (and interesting) one.

Fantasy Update 9/17

I've decided to start every Fantasy Sports weekly update with the tag line "As if you care...", effective immediately. Without further ado...

As if you care...
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Baseball

I'm pleased to report that I advanced in all of my playoff races last week.

On ESPN.com, the Cubby Bears of Detroit 135861 won the first two week playoff round by a score of 7 - 3 over my division rival (and one of only two teams to beat me all year) cubs suck. Alex Rios, Adrian Gonzalez, and Jorge Cantu all came up big for the Bears with each player belting 4 homers and raking double-digit RBI. Cliff Lee (pictured) was my best pitcher, gaining 3 much needed wins and putting up 12 Ks and a microscopic 1.82 ERA and 0.92 WHIP. Edinson Volquez did not bring a win to the table, but he did produce a jaw dropping 32 Ks. He'll be one of the first 10 pitchers selected next year for sure. At the start of the two week final, the Bears are down 7 - 2 - 1 to Division 1 champ Rocky Hardman. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not a little worried right now, but there is still a lot of ball to play. I really want to win this league, considering I dominated it all season long.

Let's Pet Puppies of Yahoo Public League 198023 won decisively over bottomoftheninth to advance to the 2 week final. The Puppies won every category but 2, tying in stolen bases and conceding the point for ERA. I generally don't care about ERA in fantasy baseball. I prefer to go for wins, strikeouts, and saves. These are much more tangible quantities and it's much safer to bet on a pitcher getting 5 or 6 Ks than it is to bet that he'll post an ERA under 3.00. That's just my philosophy when it comes to pitchers. I rarely win the ERA point but I hardly ever lose the K point. David Wright was tops offensively last week with 7 hits, 4 homers, 9 RBI, and a stolen base, all the time hitting at a staggering .632. David Wright is awesome. The Pups pitcher of the week was easily Carlos Zambrano, due to the 10 K no hitter he laid on Houston. Way to go, Big Z. Currently, the Puppies hold a 6 - 2 lead over MADDSKILLZ in the first week of the finals.

The Rentals of Yahoo Winner League 288574 won 6 - 3 over da one to make the finals. The team's success last week is mostly due to Nate McLouth's 9 RBI and Jimmy Rollins' 4 stolen bases. It was not such good week for Rentals pitching. Jonathan Papelbon's (pictured) 3 saves contributed a much needed point to this close matchup, though his accompanying ERA, a dismal 8.31, coupled with Mike Pelfrey's even worse posting of 9.00 almost lost me the ERA point. Amazingly enough, it didn't. The Rentals are currently leading Polish Piper 5 - 2 midway through week 1.

My lone roto team in NL Only, The Shams, currently hold 2nd place, though there are two other teams close behind and positions switch seemingly every other day. SACRED G sits atop the leader board by a huge margin of 11 points; most likely an insurmountable lead. Nontheless, I added two Pirates to the roster, Ian Snell and Nyjer Morgan, to replace some non-producers and hopefully secure 2nd place at the end of the season.

Only 12 more days of the 2008 MLB regular season, and therefore only 12 more days of Fantasy Baseball. I'm sure you're relieved. I know I am.
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Football

Yahoo!

In BIG WILLY'S FOOTBALL LEAGUE, my Shamrocks improved to 2 - 0, putting up an impressive 214 points to beat 101 Henry Kids. Phillip Rivers and Calvin Johnson produced big numbers and pretty much carried my team. Greg Olsen better do something soon or I'll have to find another TE. The search for a third option at RB continues. Also, I cut ties with Drew Bennett and my sleeper pick Rashied Davis. Thanks for the 22 receiving yards, Rashied. Some sleeper you turned out to be. Just more proof that the preseason means nothing. I replaced those two losers with Jason McKie, who vultured a TD from Matt Forte the second week in a row, and former Redskin Brandon Lloyd, who appears to be Kyle Orton's favorite target.

In Taylor Christiano's Group, my Shamecocks improved to 1 - 1, walloping DarkDarsh to the tune of 118.74 - 77.70 (stupid decimals...so annoying, yet so precise). I have a serious man crush on Aaron Rodgers, who performed head and shoulders above the rest of my team. I would really like to move Chad Johnson while I can. I bet someone is willing to buy low on his big name. I could use an upgrade at WR and I'm sure I could get someone quality for Chad. I'm considering dropping Rashard Mendenhall for Jason McKie, Tim Hightower, or some other vulture since Willie Parker is finishing his own drives this year. In other RB news, Jonathan Stewart (pictured) looked awesome last week.

Finally, in Yahoo Public 543788, The Shams (2 - 0) completed my sweep in Yahoo leagues with a 113 - 67 win over gangstas ZEK & A-DUB (seriously, their logo is a picture of two guys I would not want to fuck with). To be fair to Zek (and A-Dub), they played two players who were in the Ravens/Texans game that got postponed at the last minute due to damage from Hurricane Ike. That being said, unless Andre Johnson and Willis McGahee both had huge games, I probably still would have wupped their asses. Jay Cutler can be my baby daddy any day, as long as he continues to put up 30+ points per week, and Brian Westbrook continues to perform like the fantasy god that he is, giving me another 27 points. Those two alone almost beat the gangstas. On the other end of the spectrum, Vernon Davis needs to stop sucking before I kick him to the curb. As a matter of fact, fuck it. Bye bye, Vernon. Hello, John Carlson. Also, Aaron Rodgers was just sitting there on the FA wire. Is anyone even paying attention? So long, Matt Hasselbeck. Hello, Amazing Aaron. Furthermore, I'm giving Jamal Lewis two more weeks to shape up. There are too many good players available in this league to have him stink up my bench. This team is going all the way. Honestly...Rodgers a free agent? After those first two weeks???

ESPN

In ACL I, my moves after my dismal week 1 showing seemed to do good as I improved to 1 - 1 with a skimpy 104 - 96 victory over Team Schabach. I was lucky. Schabach took a play from Zek & A-Dub's playbook and played Andre Johnson this week. If Andre had had even a mediocre game, I would be 0 - 2. In addition to the aformentioned Amazing Aaron (eat your heart out, Jim Gasque), Clinton Portis and Calvin Johnson both put up double digits for me. Schabach wouldn't have been close if it weren't for Anquan Boldin's monster week. 34 points from a WR? Ryan Longwell's big week helped me out a lot too, though. I can't expect 18 points from my kicker every week. The Chargers gave me -2 points on defense. -2. Thanks a lot assholes. The best option for a replacement on the FA wire are the Redskins defense, and while I am a Skins fan, I don't think I want to rely on them to win my fantasy league. Ryan Grant was a disappointment this week, since he was supposed to put up big numbers against the Lions paltry Run D. I really hope he gets healthy quickly. Meanwhile Warrick Dunn has 12 points on my bench. Asshole. Why didn't he tell me he was going to score this week? Just in case you're wondering, I am still pissed about the Matt Cassel waiver debacle, especially since this week my waiver position is 7 and there are quite a few players (like Darren Sproles, Brandon Jackson, Chansi Stuckey, Nick Folk, Gus Frerotte [pictured], J.T. O'Sullivan, and Michael Bush).

Lastly, in Jacksonville 643149, Let's Pet Puppies were simply outplayed by Root Canal 95 - 109 and fell to 1 - 1. It's not that my team played poorly, it's just that his team played really well. His TE, Defense, and Kicker all posted double digits, and Kurt Warner had a big Sunday. For my squad, Westbrook delivered of course, and Donovan McNabb and Reggie Wayne were the other major contributors. I'm hoping to grab John Carlson, David Patten, and Justin Gage while parting ways with Dante Rosario, Sidney Rice, and D.J. Hackett. I'd also like to replace my Eagles D with the Titans sexy defense. Hopefully, at least two of those waivers will process.

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Games to Watch

Dallas Cowboys @ Green Bay Packers
Romo and the 'Boys are 2 - 0. So are Rodgers and the Pack. Just like last week's Eagles/Cowboys game, this could be an early taste of what the playoffs have in store.

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Philadelphia Eagles
The battle for Pennsylvania should be a great matchup as both teams are at or near the top of their respective league. Ben Roethlisberger (pictured) vs. Donovan McNabb should be just as exciting (if not more so) than McNabb vs. Romo last week. And the Eagles will have to match up against that stingy Steeler D, who promise to be a bit tougher than the Cowboys.

New York Jets @ San Diego Chargers
Brett Favre visits the West Coast as his Jets try to improve to 2 - 1. Meanwhile...the Chargers are 0 -2? I'm sure they'll be praying for better officiating this time.

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Player of the Week

Tyler Thigpen - QB, Kansas City Chiefs
Thigpen is the only player to ever be drafted out of the Big South Conference and Coastal Carolina University (though he probably won't be the last with the program they're building out there). He hails from Winnsboro, SC and attended Fairfield Central High School, where he was a running back. This former Big South Player of the Year is making his first NFL start after throwing for 151 yards, 1 interception, and his first NFL touchdown last week against the Oakland Raiders. Good luck, Tyler! You're gonna need it! The Chiefs really suck!

Midnight Radio

I have to give a shout out to my good friend Jonathan Whitton for all of the amazing work he does. Here he is performing the final number in Hedwig and the Angry Inch (a role I am honored to have played as well).

Check him out at jonwhitton.com. If you're in the New York area and have a chance to catch his award-winning cabaret (or one last concert performance of Hedwig), don't miss it. You will not be disappointed. "Whitton is a winner."

Love ya, Jonny.

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

I'll take the over on a 60% chance that Bristol Palin names her child after the newly discovered 120 million year-old species of ant.

Considering her mother's record of christening her children with out of the ordinary names (Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper), it wouldn't surprise me to find out if Bristol names her newborn Heureka. How would you liked to be named after (respectively) a skill that dogs possess, a difficult and frustrating math specifically dealing with triangles, the city in Connecticut that ESPN calls home, a sad tree, or a certain "Pied" pedophile that abducted all of the children from the town of Hamelin using his fairy flute?

Well, now you can find out what Sarah Palin would have named you had she bore you. The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator is brought to you by fellow blogspot resident Polit Tsk Tsk Tsk.

Inputting only my first name gave me Bullet Bodycheck Palin, my first and last names produced Chop Meth Palin, and inputting my full name gave me my favorite result: Soup Landmine Palin.

I've just found my new band name. "Thanks for coming out tonight! We're Soup Landmine!"

Know When to Make a Better Video

Know When To Walk Away - Jay Clifford

I am thrilled for Jay Clifford that he has his first music video and that Zach Braff is promoting the shit out of his music. Jay is a tremendous talent. His musicianship and songwriting are unparalleled and he deserves a huge following for his craft. Likewise, Braff's likability and relatability, coupled with his talent, good looks, and oh-so-indie taste in music make him a winning partner...a perfect fit for Clifford's target audience.

However, I wish the video was different. i was skeptical when they first announced that the video would be comprised of fan submitted content, consisting of lip-synching. I understand the idea behind it, giving back to the fans, giving off a relatable vibe, etc. But I really think Jay would have benefited more from a "real" music video.

I think Braff's product screams amateur (especially the shots with Jay behind a set wall) and I really just want better for Jay. Not to mention that the whole "YouTube" music video thing was JUST done by Weezer for Pork and Beans, the first single off their (yet again) disappointing new album. (The guitars sound great, guys...but are your lives just completely superficial now or what? I'm having a hard time finding the substance in these new songs...2002's Maladroit was your last decent album.) (And what's with The Red Album...how is this album significant in ANY way? I didn't mind that you did The Green Album because your barn-burning debut The Blue Album was phenomenal and Green marked your return after a long hiatus...but it hasn't been that long since the dismal Make Believe...and this new album ain't that good either. Enough with the pretention. Deliver the goods or else I'll shake Rivers Cuomo upside down until a decent song falls out of his head.)

Back to Clifford and Braff - I just expected more out of the director of Garden State and the driving creative force behind Scrubs (besides Bill Lawrence, of course). I hope the video does well for Jay and that people like it, but I hope he goes with a director who knows what he's doing in creating a music video next time. All due respect to Braff, but stick to the stuff you know, bro.

And Jay - better luck next time.

WIKI-EDIT: Zach Braff has also directed the music videos for Gavin Degraw's Chariot (which is a pretty decent video), Joshua Radin's Closer, Cary Brothers' Ride, and Lazlo Bane's Superman (the theme song from Scrubs). According to his wiki, Braff also claims that he "know[s] nothing about music." By the way, Braff won a Grammy for "Best Compilation Soundtrack for a Motion Picture" for Garden State.

Take It Like a Man, Kid Rock

It is with a heavy heart, dear friends and citizens of the World Wide InterWebs, that I begin our mutual blog-relationship on such a sour note. Before you criticize, you have to understand that I'm speaking with the voice of a man who simply can't take it anymore. My rational, open-mindedness has fled for the hills, leaving me with the mentality of an angry audiophile whose good taste has been raped via pop culture.

What is this canker that has me so "bug-a-boo" all of a sudden you ask?

It's Kid Rock, I tell you. Kid Rock...

Here's the point in my diatribe where I would love to say something positive about the self-proclaimed Early Morning Stoned Pimp, but there's simply nothing positive to say.

Earlier today, I went to get my oil changed. While I was sitting in the waiting area, enjoying an excellent article about the creation of The White Album, my ears perked up as the opening piano riff of Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London began playing on the radio. "Wonderful," I thought to myself, as I enjoy Mr. Zevon's delightful portrayal of a lycanthrope-stricken Britain. That's when everything changed and Werewolves of London began mingling with Lynard Skynard's Sweet Home Alabama. My mood at this point? Puzzled and somewhat confused, but far from annoyed. And then everything changed. My shipment of FAIL had arrived.

"And we were trying different things, we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Singing 'Sweet Home Alabama' all summer long"

Dang. In all fairness, my deep-rooted disgust for Kid Rock, aka Bob Ritchie, goes back many years. It began when he decided that he was a wordsmith of sorts and coined the phrase "bawitdaba (bada dang diggy)," which translates roughly to "I speak nonsense and am a moron." Look - I've made up plenty of ridiculous words and phrases. In fact, I'm sure that PK over here can cite more than a few. The difference? We haven't sold 25 million records.

Making up words isn't so bad...you're right. I should cut him some slack, you say? Were you aware that he titled an album The History of Rock? Holy crap! Could you be anymore unjustifiably pretentious and full of vileness? I didn't think so in 2000 - I thought that we'd reached the peaks of bad taste and I could finally sleep again.

Some years passed and I grew happier with each passing day. And then I heard this (taken from the song Amen on the album Rock n' Roll Jesus [which I find redundant]):

"Simplify, testify, identify, rectify
And if I get high stop being so uptight
It's only human nature and I am not a stranger
So baby won't you stay with me tonight"

Wow. Just when you think that Kid Rock's growing up a bit and trying to coax some global unity out of us, there it is: his hidden agenda to sleep with a roadie. Ahh, compassion... the aphrodisiac of champions.

Now, I'm just a sad and bitter man who's had two great songs blended together and summarily executed at the hands of my de facto arch-nemesis, Kid Rock.

I hope it feels good, Kid Rock. I hope it feels good to climb so high with so little merit. And yes, this is just one man's opinion, but believe me when I say that this opinion is really, really strong and burns with the heat of one thousand suns.

Don't worry, friends; I'll climb out of this rut by listening to something much more uplifting and well-crafted. Ah-ha! Some Randy Newman ought to do the trick....

Until next time, digital boys and girls, take care of each other and if you see Kid Rock fall down on the street, it's okay to help him up. I encourage it. Just do it with a mean face.

Your Obedient Servant,
Winston LaGrange

+KN | Kitsune Noir

This cat is pretty hip.

He's an opinionated dude with good taste in music and some friends who contribute some pretty sweet desktop art to customize your comp with.

Check out his Desktop Wallpaper Project (including some really sweet Radiohead wallpapers) and his Mixtapes, complete with thoughtfully designed artwork - just like Winston and I used to make. *tear*

+KN | Kitsune Noir

9/11

I remember...
My dad woke me up to tell me the news. It was about 30 minutes earlier than I needed to get up to go to my Freshman Logic I class at USC. We watched on TV. I went to class. We were dismissed. I spent the rest of the day holed up with friends in my good friend Sarah's university apartment, glued to the television.



Olbermann really tells it like it is. Thanks, Keith, for refusing to stand silently by.

Fantasy Update

As if you care.

Baseball

My ESPN team, the Cubby Bears, goes into the second week of the first round of the playoffs (confused yet?) solidly in the lead. No worries here. I expect to move onto the finals, and I expect to win.

My Shamrocks, in BIG WILLY'S BASEBALL LEAGUE (yes, he made the title screaming)on Yahoo! were bounced after the first round of the playoffs by a team named *gulp* Sally Palin Fan! . I really, really hope this isn't a sign of things to come. I can't decide if I'm more pissed off by losing to someone who is not only a Republican but also actually likes and finds credibility in Sarah Palin (pictured), or if I'm angrier that the Shamrocks squandered what was at one point a 12 - 1 lead only to lose 6 - 8. Whatever. Fuck that league.

My Yahoo! Public league teams, Let's Pet Puppies and The Rentals, are in their first week of playoffs after resting on a bye all last week. At midweek, the Puppies are up 5 - 4 and The Rentals are down 3 - 7 (and it's not looking good). Here's hoping those two teams pull it out.

My lone roto team this year, The Shams, are vying for 2nd place in the NL Only league. Currently, I sit in third place, 2 points out of second and 14.5 points out of first. Winning this league is looking more and more like an impossibility. And to think I led the league for 3/4 of the season. Blast!

Football

An up and down first week.

My ESPN teams split, with the Chicago Shamecocks of the ACL I League losing (badly) and posting the lowest score of any team in the league (just 44 points). Putting McGahee in proved to be foolish as he didn't touch the field all day. Also, Dallas Clark and Vince Young both came up lame during their respective games. I made some moves in the first week, including trading away McGahee and Reggie Bush for Aaron Rodgers (pictured) and Ryan Grant. Rodgers looked solid in his debut and I needed a safe bet QB with Young injured and Schaub playing for the Texans. I also sold high on Bush, betting that he will continue to be streaky this year and Grant will be the more solid option. I could care less about McGahee. My ace in the hole in this league is my number one waiver position, which I have (I believe) brilliantly spent on getting Matt Cassel, Brady's replacement, this week. Either he or Schaub will be great trade bait to shore up my RB or WR positions. My moves this week have given me hope that this team could turn out ok.

(EDIT: Just found out that my waiver claim was denied due to position limits. So if I had just dropped Vince Young instead of Devin Thomas, I would have Cassel on my team. Instead, my number one waiver position remains and I don't have the valuable trading commodity I wanted (and needed) so badly. Fucking lame.)

My Let's Pet Puppies team in the ESPN public league pulled off an impressive 107 - 79 victory in week one, good for second best in the league. The win is mostly attributable to the outstanding play of Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook, but almost my entire team contributed double digits, including Robbie Gould, the Eagles' D/ST, Thomas Jones, and of course, Reggie Wayne. Jake Delhomme had a solid game on my bench, and Chris Johnson totally lived up to the hype and I can't believe I snatched him off the FA wire after the draft. He made the starting lineup this week. I cut ties with Alge Crumpler because he looks like the #2 TE in Tennessee after last week. I replaced him with Dante Rosario, the Panthers' surprising young TE who caaught the game winning TD last week in one of his 7 receptions for 96 yards. I'm feeling good about this team. This league seems very inactive though. No one has made any trades and only a few people made waiver claims after week one. I'm worried that a good chunk of the other owners will give up after week 4, making the fantasy game a lot less fun to play.

In my Yahoo! leagues, I won 2 matchups and lost the third.

In BIG WILLY'S FOOTBALL LEAGUE (yes, he screams for football too) my Shamrocks posted 174 points, good for 5th best in the league, in their victory over the Humpin' Monkeys. I was an underdog last week, and the stellar play of Phillip Rivers and the surprising production by Antwaan Randle El led me to the win. I still need to grab another RB. Steven Jackson and Jamal Lewis are not enough to last me all season, especially in a league where I can play up to 4 RBs at one time. I don't have all that much worth trading either.

The Shamecocks in Taylor Christiano's league were my other losing team this week, falling 108.90 - 138.64 to CrazyCarl (He's crazy). In my defense, Carl had both McNabb and Willie Parker this week and it's pretty hard to compete with that production. Those two alone outscored my Chicago Shamecocks of ESPN. I still like this team a lot. I'll have Chris Johnson in there this week, and I replaced Crumpler with Rosario in this league as well. I can't really see any glaring need that this team has.

My final team, The Shams, in a Yahoo! public league won 111 - 89 on the back of Jay Cutler's great game on MNF against the sorry looking Raiders. I was one point down heading into Monday because my top playmakers Brian Westbrook and Willie Parker were eclipsed by his top scorers Drew Brees and Reggie Bush. But Cutler's terrific performance (and the fact that he had Oakland's D) pushed me over the top. I like my chances in this league because the other owners all appear to be inept. I was able to pick up rookie heartthrobs Eddie Royal and Chris Johnson (dropping Donald Driver and Ray Rice, for better or for worse) and replace the ailing Todd Heap with last week's standout TE (once again, a round of applause for) Dante Rosario. I also kicked Seattle's D/ST to the curb after last week's dreadful performance in exchange for Buffalo's D/ST (featuring my GF's high school classmate Paul Posluszny). Again,I can't see any improvements I need to make to this team.

Key Matchups

Ryan Grant (pictured) at Detroit
The Lions got torched by Michael Turner (The Burner) and Co. last week to the tune of 318 yards on the ground alone.

Jay Cutler vs. San Diego
San Diego's prized defense just got a little less scary with Shawne Merriman gone "Lights Out" for the season. Jake Delhomme had a great return to football last week against the Chargers while Cutler carved up the Raiders for 300 yards and 2 TDs.

Minnesota at Indianapolis
After last week's disappointing starts for both teams, it will be interesting to see which team wants their first win more. Matt Forte ran all over the Colts' D last week; will Purple Jesus do the same? Will Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Joseph Addai, and the rest of the Colt's drool-worthy offense be able to get anything done against the Vikings' highly-touted D when they were shut down by the apparently underrated Bears last week?

Game of the Week

Philadelphia at Dallas
In what could be a preview of the NFC title game, the Eagles come off last week's high flying win over the Rams to play against an all around great Cowboys team that was equally impressive on the road in a win over Cleveland. Donovan McNabb (pictured) will not be able to throw on the 'Boys the way he did against the Rams. Will Philly have an answer for Tony Romo and his favorite targets, T.O. and Jason Witten? This'un should be a good'un.

New Edition

No...not the Bobby Brown group.

I'm proud to announce that my good friend AQ (AKA WickedSomething, AKA Winston LaGrange) is joining the good fight as the newest Pirate Robot. Effective immediately, AQ will feed your dread by contributing posts on Music and whatever else he deems interesting.

I Will Possess Your Heart

I guess this video is a little old now...but the more I hear these guys, the more I like them.

This song haunts me.

And Just Like That...

...the Gamecocks' dream is over for this year. I am a sad, sad Gamecock fan.

At least this takes a lot of the pressure off of the rest of the games.

It's true: You can't spell suck without U-S-C.
I'm REALLY looking forward to the Bulldogs coming to town next week...

Deadspin has a good point here. It sure seems like if anyone was going to get it done in Columbia, the 'Ol Ball Coach would be the one to do it. Is the magic gone?

And even if it is, I hate it when people say that Spurrier is going to just up and leave at the drop of a visor. Thanks for continuing to give Gamecock fans panic attacks, Chris Low. Fuck your mother.

Fantasy Football '08

Just as Jesus died and was buried, then rose again on the third day, so Fantasy Football arises out of the ashes of Fantasy Baseball season.

I have 5 teams this year (again...overkill...i wish I only had 2-4). The main reason for this is because of either missed or shitty drafts. There are really only two leagues I care about: an ESPN league with some buddies from college and a Yahoo! league with the guys I play Yahoo! Baseball with. I missed the ESPN draft and I performed poorly in the Yahoo! draft. I'm in one other ESPN public league, which I had a stellar draft for last night, and two other Yahoo! leagues: one with my brother and his friends which I missed the draft for, and another Yahoo! Public league in which I fielded a pretty good team.

With the NFL kicking off last night featuring my beloved Washington Redskins losing on the road to the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, I figured it was high time to post the season preview for my Fantasy squads of the '08 season. Without further ado...
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ESPN

League: ACL I

Team: Chicago Shamecocks

QB: Matt Schaub, Vince Young
RB: Clinton Portis (pictured), Willis McGahee, Reggie Bush, Jerious Norwood, Warrick Dunn, Kolby Smith
WR: Calvin Johnson, Vincent Jackson, Courtney Taylor, Devin Thomas
TE: Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark
K: Ryan Longwell
D/ST: San Diego Chargers

Notes: This is the league with college friends so I'd really like to do well, but I'm going to have to make some improvements. My biggest need on this team is at WR. Calvin Johnson is the only solid bet...and he plays for Detroit. I have two solid TEs so I'm going to shop Gates around for that needed WR and maybe someone else. My QBs are both suspect. I could use an upgrade there, but we'll wait and see how they pan out. Schaub gets the nod for now. My RB corps is impressive, but the only true #1 is Portis. Hopefully McGahee will get healthy and the Ravens O-line will clear some paths for him...otherwise I may need to trade for anotehr RB. Kolby Smith is a waste of space unless Larry Johnson gets hurt (and even then, all bets are off) and I'm looking for someone to fill his roster slot.

Rating: 6/10 Dreadpoints
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League: Jacksonville 643149
Team: Let's Pet Puppies (Hey, it worked in baseball...)

QB: Donovan McNabb, Jake Delhomme
RB: Brain Westbrook, Maurice Jones-Drew, Thomas Jones, Chris Johnson
WR: Reggie Wayne, Steve Smith, Roddy White, Ted Ginn Jr., D.J. Hackett, Sidney Rice
TE: Chris Cooley (pictured, in hot pants), Alge Crumpler
K: Robbie Gould
D/ST: Philadelphia Eagles

Notes: I think this may be my strongest team this year. As long as McNabb stays healthy, he'll be solid as always, and Delhomme is a good backup since he appears fully recovered and his O-line is much improved, protecting for the pass and opening up for the run (which opens up for the pass). I love my four RBs, and will probably shop Jones-Drew around to see what I can get for him. My WR corps is solid as well, especially after Smith's 2 game suspension is over. Reggie Wayne is elite. I have all three parts of Carolina's passing game in Delhomme, Smith, and Hackett. Hopefully White can put up similar numbers to last year, even with a rookie QB. Ginn could attract some trade interest. Rice is Minnesota's #1 (and a Gamecock!), so that should be good for something. Cooley is my favorite player on my favorite team, and a solid option at TE. I'm hoping Crumpler will catch a couple TDs in the early weeks and then maybe I can sell him high for another WR.

Rating: 9/10 Dreadpoints
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Yahoo!

League: Big Willy's Football League

Team: Shamrocks

QB: Phillip Rivers, Jake Delhomme
RB: Steven Jackson (pictured), Jamal Lewis, Ladell Betts, Dominic Rhodes, T.J. Duckett
WR: Calvin Johnson, Roddy White, Chris Chambers, Drew Bennett, Antwaan Randle El, Reggie Brown, Rashied Davis
TE: Kellen Winslow, Greg Olsen
K: Neil Rackers

D/ST: Philadelphia Eagles

Notes: This is the league I'm in with the guys I always play Fantasy Baseball with. I was present for the draft, but I don't think I did as well as I could've done. Also, the rules and position allowances in this league are very odd. Each week you can play 1 QB, 2 RBs, 2 WRs, 1 TE, and then there are 4 "utility" slots, 2 that are reserved for either a WR or a TE and 2 more reserved for a WR or a RB. Weird, and as you may guess, this allows for an obscene number of points each week. All that being said, I have pretty good options at every position. Again, hoping for Delhomme to return to form, but Rivers has a great offense around him so he'll be the starter for now. I would like to have another #1 RB. Jackson and Lewis should both be solid barring injury, but my RB quality seriously tails off after that. Likewise with my WRs. Johnson, White, and Chambers are all solid options, wheras the others are either sleeper picks, small producers, or complete last round fliers (i.e. Rashied Davis). My TE corps is good: Winslow is elite and Olsen continues to improve for the Bears (and with their O-line, Orton/Grossman will probably be using the short dump throw often).

Rating: 7/10 Dreadpoints
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League: Taylor Christiano's Group
Team: Shamecocks

QB: Jake Delhomme, Aaron Rodgers
RB: Steven Jackson, Ray Rice, Willis McGahee, Rashard Mendenhall, Chris Johnson, Jonathan Stewart
WR: Reggie Wayne, Chad Ocho Cinco (pictured, HA!), Lee Evans, Reggie Williams, Antwaan Randle El, Vincent Jackson
TE: Jason Witten, Alge Crumpler
K: Rob Bironas
D/ST: New England Patriots

Notes: I didn't really want to have two teams nicknamed the Shamecocks, but this is the league with my brother (the Clemsux Tiger fan) and his friends, so I had to use it again. I don't know why I drafted Delhomme so many times this year. I really hope he doesn't make me eat it. In my defense, I wasn't present for this draft and it appears the autopick waited til the end to choose my QBs. This league has weird position allowances too. You can play 2 QBs, 4 WRs, 2 RBs, and 2 TEs per week. I guess if you allowed only 1 QB, this would be the most realistic setup possible in Fantasy since it more closely mimics actual offenses. Anyway, I'm still relying on Delhomme to be decent and I'm REALLY hoping Aaron Rodgers is ready for the big time. My 5 RBs are awesome in this league; again, I have two solid veterans (assuming McGahee can stay healthy) and then four young phenoms. I'll definitely look to trade an RB, probable for a WR. My WRs aren't bad at all though, with elites Wayne and Ocho Cinco (HA!), and #1s Evans and Williams. Randle El and Jackson round out the corps. To top that off, I have the highest touted TE this year in Witten and a former standout with a new team in Crumpler. Let's hope he and Vince Young can develop a good rapport. It looks like this team didn't turn out too bad, even in my absence.

Rating: 8/10 Dreadpoints
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League: Yahoo Public 543788
Team: The Shams

QB: Jay Cutler, Matt Hasselbeck
RB: Brian Westbrook (pictured, badass), Willie Parker, Jamal Lewis, Ray Rice
WR: Reggie Wayne, Wes Welker, Roddy White, Chris Chambers, Donald Driver
TE: Vernon Davis, Todd Heap
K: Robbie Gould
D/ST: Seattle Seahawks

Notes: This is a standard Yahoo! Public league and I think I had a pretty awesome draft. I'm glad to have Cutler because he has a great arm and just continues to get better in Denver. Matt Hasselbeck was hanging around late in the draft so he was a steal as my backup QB, though he could have a better season than Cutler. I love having Westbrook again. He's a Fantasy god. Fast Willie, Jamal Lewis, and Ray Rice make for a great team of horses. I have four strong WRs and one former great in Donald Driver. Maybe Aaron Rodgers can spark him back to greatness. Also, hopefully Roddy White wasn't a flash in the pan last year. My only question mark is at TE. Vernon Davis underachieved last year, and Todd Heap was once a great pick but has been hurt in recent years. They also play for the 49ers and Ravens respectively. All in all, this is one of my best teams.

Rating: 9/10 Dreadpoints
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It's looking to be another exciting season of NFL football. We'll see which, if any, of my teams stand the test of time and make a run at a league championship.

GO SKINS!